Year One: Retrospective

Summer is coming to a gentle end. The nights are cooler, the days are ending earlier, the afternoon sunlight has taken on its singularly autumnal angle. Just recently, we celebrated the first birthday of our beautiful curly-haired boy. This has been the most challenging year of my life, but I have also experienced more miracles than at any other time. I was fortunate to have an extraordinary and brief birth experience- I think that if I was given the chance to live any day over again, it would be that day, when our tiny son rocketed so magically into the world.

Since that day he has been such a joyful little light being. His little sleep smiles graduated into intentional and illuminated expressions of delight. What were once uncoordinated, involuntary (though still charming!) movements have evolved into more refined abilities like waving, walking, brushing hair, kicking soccer balls, and taking all the cards out of mommy's wallet and throwing them on the floor at Starbucks. And instead of a limited vocabulary of cooing, sighing and crying sounds (the sweetness of which I miss so much), we are now treated to a variety of meaningful babbling sounds, proto-words (ba ("ball"), ta ("cat")) and words (mama, dada, byebye). It's just astonishing to watch babies grow and learn- they pick things up so fast that it seems an inevitability, not learned behavior- certainly not anything I can take credit for!

I have changed, too. I left a job that paid well, but that wasn't very inspiring and didn't feel altogether important (to me personally), and took on full-time mothering (no pay, more inspiring, very important). This time last year, I was learning how to breastfeed, change diapers, understand my baby's cries and operate on a sleep deficit. I guess I've gotten those skills down for the most part (though I don't know what the tantrum in Chipotle this afternoon was all about). I have gone from hyper-vigilance ("Is he still breathing?") to plain old vigilance ("Has he eaten enough vegetables today?" "Is that paper in his mouth?").

Looking ahead (what's a retrospective piece without some looking ahead?), I expect this year will also be filled with challenges and adventures, magic and muddle-brained chaos. I am filled with anticipation as I see our toddler toddle and hear him making ever more intelligible sounds. As for me, I would like to set aside more time for myself this year, to write or paint or work- I have missed feeling a part of the world; I have missed having finality on a project; I have missed contributing something concrete at the end of the day (or the week, or the month). There must be some kind of balance for us, wherein we can feel confident about our jobs as mothers, yet also continue to pursue other passions, interests or objectives that make us who we are. That will be my Two Year's Resolution: Find balance.

Suggestions welcome.